Burke Rukes (mechadomain2000@yahoo.com)
Wed, 17 Jan 2001 14:12:11 -0800 (PST)


Hi good people!

Well, I'm already hard at work on future issues of
"The Saturday Colony Post," which premiered on The
Mecha Domain just a few days ago following the whole
First Gundam DVD dubbing fiasco hitting the press. And
being an obsessed fan with absolutely no life and a
little too much time on my hands, I've come up with
lots of new headline ideas. Some of'em are pretty
twisted, but tell me what you think, and if you have
any ideas, put'em up here! :)

*** ONE YEAR WAR & FIRST GUNDAM HEADLINES ***

* Zeon Daikun assassinated by lone gunman during
motorcade; Warren Commission immediately clears Zabi
clan as suspects; conspiracy Web site authors given
new material
* Minovsky reactor will bring "new age of peace to
mankind"
* Aborigine shaman harrassed by local EFF troops, puts
curse on Sydney
* Colony air pollution: Was bringing internal
combustion engine to space a bad idea?
* WAR! Opening days' death toll exceeds entire human
population
* EFF condemns Zeon use of new "mobile suit" weapon as
"cheating!"
* Australian aborigines surrender to Zeon Duchy
following destruction of Sydney
* Revil escapes Zeon captivity, declares "Damn, I'm
exhausted! Gimme something to eat!"; dies by choking
on ribeye bone after winning truckstop's 72oz steak
challenge
* George S. Patton, John Wayne re-animated by Fed
scientists following death of Revil; victory assured!
* Tsukada loses One Year War merchandising license to
upstart new "Bandai" company
* Fed mobile suits finally brought into war! EFF
warship crew mortality rate drops to 1 in 3
* Lucasfilm sues EFF over lightsaber technology patent
violation
* "Terrible Trio" commandos wreak havoc behind enemy
lines (Katsu, Letsu, Kikka)
* THEY ARE AMONG US! "Newtypes" can read your every
thought and secret like a book; privacy activists call
for registration, regulation by proposed "Psi Corps"
agency
* White Base crewwoman Sayla Mass raises morale,
penises
* Zeon/Decepticon alliance spells doom for Feds; will
Autobots violate own neutrality stance?
* A Bao A Qu falls! Gihren Zabi declares, "We're
screwed"
* One Year War ends after 7 1/2 hour movie trilogy
marathon

*** 0080 HEADLINES ***

* Riah MechaTech (Draken-E) beats out Shinohara Heavy
Industries (Ingram) in civil defense mecha contract;
local SV2 police officers outraged
* Dastardly Zeeks invade Federally-occupied so-called
"neutral" colony! (Kaempfer in Side 6 Libot colony)
* 8-year-old boy (Al Izuruha) executed for treason,
consorting with enemy

*** 0083 HEADLINES ***

* Anaheim Electronics moves from pocket radios and
toasters into military contracting industry, showcases
new '83 model Gundams
* Delaz Fleet steals Gundam, nuke, demands story
rights to "One Year War II: The Sequel"
* '83 Pulitzer Prize for Physics awarded to Von Braun
City engineers for artificial gravity system; prize
may be retracted, system due to fail by '87
* Gato nukes EFF Naval Review; General Wyatt's last
words: "Holy Mother of Jesus H. F**king Christ in a
Cadillac!"
* Delaz Fleet drops colony on North America; Axis
leaders say, "Oops!"
* Judge Judy hears EFF pilot case, sentences Uraki to
electric chair for whining, contempt of court
* Class-action sexual harrassment lawsuit filed
against EFF pilot (Bernard Monsha)

*** ZETA GUNDAM HEADLINES ***

* Titans' BBSNG (Bureau of Beer, Smokes, 'N' Guns)
invades "Zeon cult" compound, burns out base, kills
innocents
* George Carlin lynched for tasteless jokes about
30-Bunch Incident
* Titans begin nuke inventory reduction at Jabrow
(picture of mushroom cloud)
* Titans save Hong Kong City from giant lizard! (Psyco
Gundam vs. Godzilla)
* Heroine of Hong Kong City (Four Murasame) to pose
nude in "Playnewtype"
* Amuro Ray's ex-girlfriend & Newtype groupie
(Beltochika Irma) tells all in shocking autobiography!
Says, "We f**ked like jackrabbits!"
* Camille Vidan: "I see dead people"

*** GUNDAM ZZ HEADLINES ***

* Newtype cloning technology may help revolutionize
medicine, oppress Earth Sphere (Plu Two clones)

*** CHAR'S COUNTERATTACK HEADLINES ***

* India-based mystic "Newtype cult" commits mass
suicide; daughter of Federal Foreign Minister (Quess
Paraya) caught up in scandal
* Paraya makes deal with Char at Londenion, announces
"Earthwide nuclear winter in one week"
* Aznable initiates asteroid relocation program; Earth
may get temporary eclipse, collateral damage
* Bruce Willis saves Earth from falling asteroid!
Neo-Zeon denies responsibility; new Federal
super-secret MS (Nu Gundam) may have been involved
* Anaheim arms sales scandal: sold weapons to Feds,
Delaz Fleet, Titans, Neo-Zeon, Londo Bell, damn near
everybody else

*** GUNDAM F91 HEADLINES ***

* Karozo Ronah licenses new weapon technology to
neo-Hitchcock writers; weapons to appear in new film
"The Bugs"

*** CROSSBONE GUNDAM HEADLINES ***

* Crossbone Vanguard leader Vera Ronah dispels Captain
Harlock sighting rumors

*** V GUNDAM HEADLINES ***

* Exiled, traumatized BESPA officer rescued!
New-and-improved Fara Griffon now equipped with "all
the bells and whistles"

*** G GUNDAM HEADLINES ***

* Crockett KOs Tyson in 3 seconds! Don King dumps Iron
Make, becomes Chibodee's new manager
* Devil Gundam virus "worst childrens' epidemic in
history"
* Neo-Japan rolls out Another Goddamned Gundam (God
Gundam)
* "Support Your Local Gundam Fighter" breaks 60C
billion box-office record; dawn of new "ramen western"
genre, upcoming "Have Gundam, Will Travel" expected to
be next big hit
* Neo-Japan's Kasshu wins 13th Quadrennial Gundam
Fight with super-secret "blazing pinkie" special
attack
* Cheezy national stereotypes descend on Earth; 14th
Quadrennial Gundam Fight begins today!
* Neo-Irish Gundam Fighter wins 14th Gundam Fight
after 20-minute brawl in pub!

*** GUNDAM WING HEADLINES ***

* Y.T. Minovsky discovers alternate "After Colony"
universe where physics don't apply
* Unsociable youth (Heero) arrested, made death
threats to fellow students
* Earth Alliance military overthrown by psychic
hotline network (OZ)
* Heero Yuy fails 27th suicide attempt, vows to be
dead by August
* Young white girl (Quatre) claims nobility, Arabic
descent; Louis Farrakhan blasts claims, questions
girl's identity
* Heero Yuy sues Relena Darlian for harrassment,
claims "crazy bitch won't stop following me!"; judge
issues restraining order against girl
* "Mobile doll" technology to eliminate human
suffering in war
* Relena Darlian gang-raped, beaten by "Total
Violence" movement activists
* Relena Darlian made "queen for a day"
* Earth Sphere Unified Nation ratifies constitution,
disarms; military contractor stocks drop like a rock
* Newly-disarmed Earth now helpless before might of
Empire's "Death Star"; citizens ask, "Where are the
Gundams when we need them?"
* Dorothy Catalona says, "Let's give peace a chance!"
* President/Vice-Foreign Minister sex scandal!
Clinton: "I did not have sexual relations with that
woman, Miss Darlian."
* WE ARE NOT GAY! "G-Boys" to put rumors to rest with
late-night, adult channel pay-per-view heterosexual
fornicating special
* Popularity of crime-fighting Preventers agency hits
Hollywood; Yuy, Maxwell, Barton, Winner, and Chang to
star in "G-Boys Forever" film

*** GUNDAM X HEADLINES ***

* Non-mutated ant found! Cratered and
radiation-polluted "After War" Earth beginning road to
recovery
* Long-lost "Gundam X" mobile suit found! Landship
captain (Jamil) declares, "I see a bad moon rising."
* Movie studio rents Gundam Airmaster for use in next
John Woo/Chow Yun-Fat flick
* Deep Thought computer declares Newtypes "one big
hoax"

*** TURN A GUNDAM HEADLINES ***

* Industrialist Gwen Sard Lineford re-discovers
electricity, advances backward state of Earth industry
by 200 years
* Primitive savages discovered performing pagan
sacrifices to "White Doll" god
* Earth invaded by hippies from Moon! (Cancer Kafka,
Muron Muron)
* Queen Diana Soleil, Kihel Heim each signs 20C
million contract to star in Disney's "Parent Trap
XXVIII"
* Colony Post fires photographer (Fran Doll) following
pornography scandal

*** MISCELLANEOUS & VARIOUS HEADLINES ***

* Top rapper in Earth Sphere is WHITE! Char calls
Zechs a "poser" in new "I'm the Real Red Comet" hit
song
* Char/Zechs rivalry reaches fever pitch; pair to face
off on "Celebrity Deathmatch"

Okay, gotta get back to my non-life now. Enjoy! :)

=====
-Burke Rukes
mechadomain2000@yahoo.com

The Mecha Domain - http://mechadomain.gundam.com

"You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up!" - George Carlin

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