Damien Hailey (samas_1@hotmail.com)
Wed, 17 Jan 2001 18:44:01

Hmm, some of these would actually work...

>*Two words: missile swarms.

Oh yes. The vaunted Macross Missile Massacre. In fact, the ion drive
Nacelles on the Y-Wings would be replaced by 300-missile-capacity
Micromissile pods.

>*Luke would do a lot more screaming.

*Everyone* would do a lot more screaming.

>*All the important stuff, like Ben's death, would be repeated three times.
>*Vader would be at least eight feet tall.

This is true.

>*X-wings and Y-wings would transform, and then combine to form a more
>powerful craft.

Nah, the combining went out in the mid-80's.

>*The Death Star's superlaser would have an even flashier charge-up

And the beam would be almost as wide as the DS itself.

>*The destruction of Alderaan would be preceded by idyllic ground-side
>sequences. Then everyone looks up, and BOOOOM. (cf Hiroshima)

Or they have the idyllic scene(make sure to have children in it), someone
looks up, then the beam strikes(probably right in the middle of, or next to
a major city), scoring the surface right off the planet, then the rest
bulges for about five seconds before exploding.
Then, right before the Falcon shows up, show a scene of the asteroids left,
with a focus on a half-destroyed doll seen in the earlier scene.

>*When Luke lines up on the exhaust port, he hears Ben's voice. Everything
>freezes, tight closeup on one of Luke's eyes as the background goes black.
>"Luke. Trust your feelings."

Also, a more dramatic, slo-mo shot of the torpedoes going in.

>*Yoda would look much like Happosai.

Yoda DOES look like Happosai.

>*Fans would draw pictures of a naked Luke and Leia embracing *after* their
>parentage was revealed.

Before, after, during...

In fact, it might not be revealed until after
>they'd slept together (cue the angst).

Well, you'd definitely get a bigger reaction about that kiss in ESB

>*The Emperor would be even taller than Vader.
>*The Ewoks would be even cuter. (Eeeeeee...)

And smaller. And the females would be bear-girls.

>*Lando and the Falcon would be destroyed, probably accompanied by a
>flashback with lots of cherry blossoms.
>*Han Solo, being the epitome of American Power, would be blond, carry
>around a HUGE gun, and scare small children.
>*Alternately, Han would wear an eyepatch and cape.
>*The Mon Calimari would have ships that heavily resembled units from the
>various Darius games. (Giant mechanical FISH!)
>*Luke would have black hair, and be a lot more negative.
>*Light sabers would be replaced by katanas or Chinese long-swords that
>would glow so you could see which was flashing against the black
>background. The swords would have to be metal, so that injuries could be
>emphasized with gushing blood.

Nah, they'd keep the beam blades.

>*Chewbacca would have horns, alhough he might otherwise resemble an upright

He'd also be a LOT more muscular. And he'd use those claws.

>*The Emperor would have tall spiky hair and little bits of things would
>float upward in slow-mo when he zaps Luke.

You mean like Demitri's aura in Darkstalkers?

>*Lightsaber scenes wouldn't be 9 (counted!) per 6-hour trilogy, but per
>half-hour episode.
>*The AT-AT would have claws. BIG ones.

Nah. Bigger legs, on the other hand...

>*Vader would still be Luke's father, but we would would have known about it
>waaaaay before Luke did.
>*Luke's uncle and aunt would really be alive!
>*The sandcrawler would have flown.

That or a massive hover system.

>*We'd see the Sarlac's full body.

There would also be about four other pits, and they would all be part of the
same monster.

>*Leia wouldn't have a band of surgical tape constraining her
>generously-sized breasts in all three movies except for the Metal Bikini
>*For that matter, Leia wouldn't have been wearing a Metal Bikini, either.

You mean, she'd have been wearing it from the beginning. ^_^

>*The Rancor wouldn't have had a big bold black outline, but it would have
>drooled MUCH more.
>*The AT-ST would have been either armless and rounded or armed and
>squared-off, not armless and squared.
>*Imperial pilots would have been cloned from the very beginning.
>*Every time Vader tells some fool that he's underestimating the power of
>the Dark Side, the bystanders would mutter "Sugee!"
>*The music and soundtrack would be much worse and less orchestreated, but
>have singable lyrics.
>*Greedo wouldn't have been the only one with blue hair.
>*There wouldn't be Imperial-class Star Destroyers. Super-class Destroyers
>would be the *very bare minimum*.
>*Three words: Super Deformed Stormtroopers.
>*Princess Leia would wear a sailor suit...and she would sing.
>*Vader wouldn't have to squeeze air to kill a guy with the force. He would
>just touch him and tell him "You are already dead," followed by
>gratuitously vile explosions.

Nah, it's be more like, Vader opens his hand, holding it out to the doomed

Cut to a shot of a human heart beating faster and faster.

Cut to the officer's eyes bugging out until they seem ready to burst from
their sockets. He falls to the deck, clutching his chest.

Cut to a close up of Vader's expressionless mask, as a glow becomes softly
visible behind the lenses.

Cut to the Heart, beating faster and faster still.

Cut to the Officer, still suffering.

Cut to Vader, who closes his hand.

Cut to the officer as his chest caves in.

>*Luke's aunt and uncle would run a dojo instead of a farm.
>*The Millenium Falcon would sport a big skull and crossbones.
>*Luke wouldn't have to use a rope to jump across a trench. Anime heroes can
>jump as far as they want to.
>*Emperor Palpatine would have a daughter. In an amusing mix-up, Luke would
>be betrothed to her.
>*Bandai would make kick-ass model kits!
>*R2-D2 would be cuter...and he would fly.
>*The explosion of the Death Star would be shown with a sequence of
>watercolor paintings.
>*C-3PO would be a girl robot...with the hots for Luke.
>*People would actually drink beer in the cantina.
>*Luke would not build his own lightsaber. He would have to win it from a
>demoness who has been imprisoned for thousands of years... and who has the
>hots for Luke.
>*Obi Wan Kenobi wouldn't disappear when Vader cuts him down, he'd get
>sliced in half. It would just take him a couple of seconds to figure it
>*There would be a LOT more walkers.
>*X-wings would have cool heads-up displays.
>*Emperor Palpatine's legs and lower torso would dissolve into a mass of
>cables and merge with the new Death Star.
>*Did I mention Princess Leia's sporty yet feminine powered armor?
>*Speeder bikes would be replaced by monster-sized racing cycles...with
>*Boba Fett would have a bigger part.
>*A nemesis TIE fighter pilot would defect...and have the hots for Luke.

Oh, and did we mention? Leia, after finding about Luke being her brother,
STILL has the hots for him. AND Han.

>*Luke wouldn't agonize over Vader being his dad until AFTER he killed him.
>*The American voice actors would be crap, and the subtitled version would
>be more expensive.
>*Series titles would be Star Wars, Star Wars Zeta, and Star Wars Double
>Zeta. People would argue interminably about the time line conflicts.

Then come the Alternate Universes.

>*And finally, Luke would have a brother, who accepts the Dark Side as his
>destiny and is evil to the last breath.

...And has the hots for Leia.

>Andrew Dynon
>Watt-Evans' Law of Literary Creation: There is no idea so stupid or
>hackneyed that a sufficiently-talented writer can't get a good story out of
>Feist's Corollary: There is no idea so brilliant or original that a
>sufficiently-untalented writer can't screw it up.
>Morrison's Corollary: There is no idea that a sufficiently-talented writer
>has made into a good story that can't become annoying in the sequels.
>Holliday's Corollary: There is no plot so stunningly original that a
>journalist can't make it sound hackneyed.
>Gundam Mailing List Archives are available at http://gundam.aeug.org/

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