Andrew Dynon (
Sun, 14 Jan 2001 09:29:11 +1100


*Two words: missile swarms.
*Luke would do a lot more screaming.
*All the important stuff, like Ben's death, would be repeated three times.
*Vader would be at least eight feet tall.
*X-wings and Y-wings would transform, and then combine to form a more
powerful craft.
*The Death Star's superlaser would have an even flashier charge-up sequence.
*The destruction of Alderaan would be preceded by idyllic ground-side
sequences. Then everyone looks up, and BOOOOM. (cf Hiroshima)
*When Luke lines up on the exhaust port, he hears Ben's voice. Everything
freezes, tight closeup on one of Luke's eyes as the background goes black.
"Luke. Trust your feelings."
*Yoda would look much like Happosai.
*Fans would draw pictures of a naked Luke and Leia embracing *after* their
parentage was revealed. In fact, it might not be revealed until after
they'd slept together (cue the angst).
*The Emperor would be even taller than Vader.
*The Ewoks would be even cuter. (Eeeeeee...)
*Lando and the Falcon would be destroyed, probably accompanied by a
flashback with lots of cherry blossoms.
*Han Solo, being the epitome of American Power, would be blond, carry
around a HUGE gun, and scare small children.
*Alternately, Han would wear an eyepatch and cape.
*The Mon Calimari would have ships that heavily resembled units from the
various Darius games. (Giant mechanical FISH!)
*Luke would have black hair, and be a lot more negative.
*Light sabers would be replaced by katanas or Chinese long-swords that
would glow so you could see which was flashing against the black
background. The swords would have to be metal, so that injuries could be
emphasized with gushing blood.
*Chewbacca would have horns, alhough he might otherwise resemble an upright
*The Emperor would have tall spiky hair and little bits of things would
float upward in slow-mo when he zaps Luke.
*Lightsaber scenes wouldn't be 9 (counted!) per 6-hour trilogy, but per
half-hour episode.
*The AT-AT would have claws. BIG ones.
*Vader would still be Luke's father, but we would would have known about it
waaaaay before Luke did.
*Luke's uncle and aunt would really be alive!
*The sandcrawler would have flown.
*We'd see the Sarlac's full body.
*Leia wouldn't have a band of surgical tape constraining her
generously-sized breasts in all three movies except for the Metal Bikini
*For that matter, Leia wouldn't have been wearing a Metal Bikini, either.
*The Rancor wouldn't have had a big bold black outline, but it would have
drooled MUCH more.
*The AT-ST would have been either armless and rounded or armed and
squared-off, not armless and squared.
*Imperial pilots would have been cloned from the very beginning.
*Every time Vader tells some fool that he's underestimating the power of
the Dark Side, the bystanders would mutter "Sugee!"
*The music and soundtrack would be much worse and less orchestreated, but
have singable lyrics.
*Greedo wouldn't have been the only one with blue hair.
*There wouldn't be Imperial-class Star Destroyers. Super-class Destroyers
would be the *very bare minimum*.
*Three words: Super Deformed Stormtroopers.
*Princess Leia would wear a sailor suit...and she would sing.
*Vader wouldn't have to squeeze air to kill a guy with the force. He would
just touch him and tell him "You are already dead," followed by
gratuitously vile explosions.
*Luke's aunt and uncle would run a dojo instead of a farm.
*The Millenium Falcon would sport a big skull and crossbones.
*Luke wouldn't have to use a rope to jump across a trench. Anime heroes can
jump as far as they want to.
*Emperor Palpatine would have a daughter. In an amusing mix-up, Luke would
be betrothed to her.
*Bandai would make kick-ass model kits!
*R2-D2 would be cuter...and he would fly.
*The explosion of the Death Star would be shown with a sequence of
watercolor paintings.
*C-3PO would be a girl robot...with the hots for Luke.
*People would actually drink beer in the cantina.
*Luke would not build his own lightsaber. He would have to win it from a
demoness who has been imprisoned for thousands of years... and who has the
hots for Luke.
*Obi Wan Kenobi wouldn't disappear when Vader cuts him down, he'd get
sliced in half. It would just take him a couple of seconds to figure it out.
*There would be a LOT more walkers.
*X-wings would have cool heads-up displays.
*Emperor Palpatine's legs and lower torso would dissolve into a mass of
cables and merge with the new Death Star.
*Did I mention Princess Leia's sporty yet feminine powered armor?
*Speeder bikes would be replaced by monster-sized racing cycles...with lasers.
*Boba Fett would have a bigger part.
*A nemesis TIE fighter pilot would defect...and have the hots for Luke.
*Luke wouldn't agonize over Vader being his dad until AFTER he killed him.
*The American voice actors would be crap, and the subtitled version would
be more expensive.
*Series titles would be Star Wars, Star Wars Zeta, and Star Wars Double
Zeta. People would argue interminably about the time line conflicts.
*And finally, Luke would have a brother, who accepts the Dark Side as his
destiny and is evil to the last breath.
Andrew Dynon

Watt-Evans' Law of Literary Creation: There is no idea so stupid or
hackneyed that a sufficiently-talented writer can't get a good story out of

Feist's Corollary: There is no idea so brilliant or original that a
sufficiently-untalented writer can't screw it up.

Morrison's Corollary: There is no idea that a sufficiently-talented writer
has made into a good story that can't become annoying in the sequels.

Holliday's Corollary: There is no plot so stunningly original that a
journalist can't make it sound hackneyed.

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