Emery Calame (palaeomerus@excite.com)
Tue, 29 Aug 2000 02:08:20 -0700 (PDT)


On Mon, 28 Aug 2000 22:10:53 -0700, gundam@aeug.org wrote:

> >they did a live version of wicked city which I found entertaining... I
was
> >actually suprised to see a lot of live action hentai pornos (tentacles
and
> >all) at a japanese video store in LA when I was down there... I never
> >rented any, unfortunately. I would have liked to see how the hell they
tried
> >to translate that stuff (!!)
>
> Probably just CG tentacles or some latex-on-a-stick cheap FX.
>
> Eddie
>

Somehow live action J-porn martial arts shows is a funny subject. I mean the
sheer potential for low budget evil that comes to mind is patheticly
delicious (which is sort of like "magically delicious" except here aren't
any leprechauns involved).

I picture a skinny 19 year old Japanese girl in a bad-fitting lycra torn-up
costume(in otherwords: rendered topless) with a huge rubber tentacle wrapped
around her middle and going under her crotch while she sort of "struggles"
and makes "eek! Aahh!" noises. And of course she tries to make the tentacle
look like it's moving around by moving back and forth a lah Bela Lugosi in
Bride of the Monster except raunchier. Naturally somebody has dripped icky
bio-slime all over her.( the bastards!)

Every so often they cut to an overweight out of work character actor who
grins evily and says stupid crap about the world belonging to the
death-shadow demon/oni/tengu/ghost/ninja/space-mutant/pirate clan now (in an
unaturally modulated deep voice) and tries for all the world to look like
he's deranged while the director annoys him with meaningless advice about
how to screw up his eyebrows. He has three or four badly attached rubber
tentacles appearing to come of his neck or stomach or arms or
something...They are the most obvious prosthetic in the show and almost
disguise the fact that he is wearing a terrible toupet.

Eventually the girl awkwardly stuffs one of the tentacles in her mouth and
tries to make it look like forced fellatio. But it just looks like a girl
sticking a prop in her mouth in response to an off camera verbal cue.

Suddenly a heroic j-pop theme starts up and more teen aged girls in non torn
costumes break down the balsa wood door and dispatch the bad guy with bad
slow-motion-pose oriented kung-fu with more camera cuts than a frickin' clay
animation short. :) They win because they know the lost secrets of "sexual
magic" even though they are supposed to still be in high school. You know
they've won because there is an "explosion" (that looks like somebody threw
a big slit-open plastic-bag full of flour at the guy)with lots of
"smoke"(flour)and the voice they guy has goes "AAAAaaaggghghhghghg!!!!!" and
starts to sound all echoey like it was recorded in somebody's tiled shower.

A plainly visible boom mike falls into the shot about every ten seconds.

If there is a budget you might end up with a sort of bad "scratched film"
style electrical/energy-bolt effects when they hit the be-tentacled,
out-of-work, character actor. Alternatively the other girls might jump out
of a terrible mat-effect that is supposed to make you think of a dimensional
gateway.

All this happens in a dark room which looks suspiciously like an office with
all the furniture removed so there would be room to film. Probably there is
a beige carpet on the floor. You get bonus points if you can spot the clear
platic tarp they put down to avoid getting "bio-slime" and flour on the
beige carpet.

The girls all end up naked in a hot tub together talking about the "battle"
against the old guy with the immobile tentacles(who just stood there and
wouldn't shut up or stop grinning insanely.)They half heartedly say stuff
that was sort of funny on paper but doesn't work with an unprofessional
delivery. They sit with their breasts out of the water even though very few
women would do that even if they were nude and in an exhibitionistic mood
because what's point of sitting in hot water if you aren't "in hot water" ?

Anyone here should be able to make this film in their basement if they have
an old super-eight/VHS camera, a garden hose, some tape, some spray paint,
and very very bored ladies with no standards who will take their shirt off
on film. I don't think any lights will be necessary. Ditto editing. :)

I haven't seen any live action J-porn exactly and don't really plan to go
out of my way to get any but I DID watch the live action Kekko Kamen movie
(which never quite got to porn but merely stayed on the bad taste side of
the tracks). It was hilarious in it's own way but not nearly as funny as the
idea of Iria being some kind of professional bounty hunter in the live
action Zeiram movie. Yep. That was about as convincing as Linda Carter being
Wonder Woman.

Just my opinion.

Emery
palaeomerus@excite.com

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