Curry Coffelt (email@example.com)
Mon, 22 May 2000 22:19:03 -0500
HEre is something that I dreamed up
The Double Zeta Goddamn it
Parody of "The Spanish Inquisition" by Monty Python
By Curry Coffelt
Mashima Serro: Trouble at Axis.
Hamman Khan: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Mashima: One on't Zucks gone bum.
Mashima: One on't Zucks gone bum.
Hamman: I don't understand what you're saying.
Mashima: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear
accent) One of the Zaku's was destroyed.
Hamman: Well what on earth does that mean?
Mashima: *I* don't know - Mineva just told me to come in here and say
that there was trouble at Axis, that's all - I didn't expect The Double
Zeta Goddamn it.
(The door flies open and Judo Ashta of The AEUG enters, flanked by two
junior members. Beecha Oleg has goggles pushed over his forehead. Ino
Abav is just Ino Abav
Judo: NOBODY expects the Double Zeta Goddamn it! Our chief weapon
is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our
two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless
efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and
ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to
Earth.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons....
Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise....
I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Mashima: I didn't expect the Double Zeta Goddamn it.
(The AEUG members burst in)
Judo: NOBODY expects the Double Zeta Goddamn it! Amongst our weaponry
are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an
almost fanatical devotion to the AEUG, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
(To Beecha Oleg) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Judo: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Beecha: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that... (Judo bundles the AEUG
Mashima: I didn't expect the Double Zeta Goddamn it!
(The AEUG enter)
Beecha: Er.... Nobody...um....
Beecha: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Double...um...
Beecha: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Double Zeta Goddamn it. In
fact, those who do expect -
Judo: Our chief weapons are...
Beecha: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Beecha: Surprise and --
Judo: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Ino, read the
Ino: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit
treason against the AEUG. 'My old man said follow the--'
Beecha: That's enough. (To Hamman) Now, how do you plead?
Hamman: We're innocent.
Judo: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Beecha: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Judo: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with
a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Beecha -- the rack!
(Beecha produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Judo looks at it
and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums
heavily to cover his anger)
Judo: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Ino and Beecha make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying
Judo: Right! How do you plead?
Judo: Ha! Right! Beecha, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a
(Beecha stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Judo: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to
say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass
Judo: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Beecha: Shall I...?
Judo: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Beecha turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)
(Cut to them torturing a mad man, Yazan Greible).
Judo: Now, Hamman -- you are accused of Treason on three counts --
treason by thought, treason by word, treason by deed, and treason by
action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Hamman: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Judo: Ha! Then we shall make you understand! Beecha! Fetch... THE
SOFT CUSHIONS! (JARRING CHORD)
(Beecha holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Beecha: Here they are, lord.
Judo: Now, Hamman -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of treason, reject the works of the Jion Archduchy -- *two* last
chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have
three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous
Hamman: I don't know what you're talking about.
Judo: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Beecha! Poke her with
the soft cushions!
(Beecha carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Judo: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Beecha: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Judo: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Beecha: Yes, lord.
Judo (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made of harder
stuff! Ino! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(Zoom into Ino's horrified face)
Ino (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?
(Beecha pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Judo: So you think you are strong because you can survive the
soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Beecha! Put her in the
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Judo (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Beecha) Is
that really all it is?
Beecha: Yes, lord.
Judo: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do
we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Beecha: I confess!
Judo: Not you!
Let me know what you guys thing at firstname.lastname@example.org
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