Andrew Dynon (email@example.com)
Wed, 08 Dec 1999 18:12:42 +1100
[Originally from the Mekton Zeta Mailing List and the Mekton Bastion]
The Evil Overlord List has been of inestimable benefit to those of similar
professions to myself in their careers of conquest. However, until now,
there has been a sad dearth of advice concerning the use of mecha in one's
career as an Evil Overlord. It is with this in mind that I present:
THE EVIL OVERLORD MECHA ADDENDUM
1. I will never send ONE ro-beast or terrormech. I will send a whole bunch
2. All Elite Prototype Terrormechs which are undergoing flight test will be
kept under guard 24 hours a day, protected with a code-lock, and never go
anywhere except under heavy escort.
3. If any of my TerrorMech pilots shows signs of letting an archaic sense
of honor interfere with the performance of his duties, I shall arrange for
him to die gloriously in combat, and use the occasion of his funeral to
inspire his fellow pilots to greater deeds.
4. High-security testing bases will require the most elaborate security
checks possible, and all incoming vehicles must be examined and driven-in
by base personnell.
5. No Tactical Nuclear Mecha will ever be issued live ammo without a
trustworthy pilot inside.
6. No matter how trustworthy the pilot, all prototype or doomsday mecha
will respond to a global-range "OFF" switch worn on the commanding
7. Piloted mecha are one-man armies. Therefore, pilots will be kept on a
strictly need-to-know basis so they'll remain under control.
8. Regardless of their strategic priority, prisoners will not be
interrogated on the flagship, or any command ship, but rather on a prison
or hospital transport.
9. I will never use the same mecha construction corporation as my enemy.
10. I will never build a TerrorMech in the shape of a giant egg, no matter
how much it may bristle with threatening-looking weaponry. It just never
11. ALL of my TerrorMechs will have FULLY ARTICULATED arms and hands.
12. My TerrorMechs will include a wide arsenal of built-in armaments to
prevent a simple kick or lucky shot from completely stripping them of
13. My TerrorMech pilotw will be just as well trained as their footsoldier
counterparts. Any pilot who cannot hit a mecha-sized target within combat
range will be used as target practice.
14. My TerrorMechs will include such important devices as inertial target
tracking and a non-volatile powerplant.
15. My TerrorMechs will NOT include such devices as a torso-mounted
multiple-shot missile launcher.
16. My TerrorMech pilots will always operate in pairs, as though they were
infantrymen or fighter pilots, and NOT go out solo.
17. I will not waste batches of only twenty missiles on the hero when it is
a well-known fact that he can easily dodge at least 2000 at a time.
18. I will instruct my minions to run just BEFORE the hero pulls out his
Blazing Sword or Infinity Beam Gun.
19. I will never let the mad scientist creating the Ultimate TerrorMech
volunteer to create a clone of himself to be the perfect pilot for said
Terrormech. The brat will either grow up hating his father and defect with
the thing, or be an even bigger sociopath than dad and come after me.
Neither is a desirable result.
20. I will NOT try to manufacture NewTypes. Too short a warranty, and too
21. If a maintenance tech tells me that the TerrorMech I am boarding is low
on fuel or ammo or is malfunctioning, I will believe him and choose another
mech before rushing into battle. That's why I have maintenance techs, to
take care of that sort of thing.
22. All ancient temples will be nuked from orbit, since that's usually
where the heroes congregate or hide their HeroMecha. Likewise, deep ocean
rifts and untrammeled wilderness will also recieve attention from the
orbital bombardment planners.
23. Using the brain of the hero's mentor to control my Ultimate Weapon is a
Bad Idea, and whoever suggests such an insane plan will be fed to my
bloodthirsty Stobor, feet first.
24. I will stress the teaching of basic tactics to all officers. Things
like subtracted reserves, flanking and enveloping attacks, flank guards,
etc. There are always options other than head-on frontal assaults.
25. I will only employ ugly, socially unskilled, and really mean people as
commanders. That way, the chances of one of my mean realizing that my
opposition has a point, and he must therefore take his charismatic,
honorable and damn-what-a-good-dancer self over to their side is greatly
26. I will not put self-destruct devices in my mecha. I will put them in
my pilots. Nothing motivates like thermite.
[Additional contributions encouraged]
"Humiliation is nothing to be ashamed of."
- Justy Ueki Tylor
"Stories have to be told to exist. They exist in the telling and retelling."
- Itzhak Roeh
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