Andrew Dynon (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sun, 28 Nov 1999 12:26:43 +1100
Was going through some of my old files today, and I found something I saved
off rec.arts.anime.misc that I thought might amuse people. Here it is.
>HOW VARIOUS DIRECTORS WOULD HANDLE GUNDAM
>Quentin Tarantino's Gundam: Pretty much the same as the original
>Gundam, as Amuro and Char will sport those cool retro-hip bell bottom
>flares. Whenever a mobile suit blows up, a brutally violent scene of
>the poor pilot in the cockpit getting carbonised will be shown. When
>Lala Sun dies, Char will get "Medieval" on Amuro, and will bind him up
>and cut off his ear.
>James Cameron's Gundam: Will be the most expensive production ever
>made when James, for the sake of realism, actuallly builds a space
>colony, and then drops it on Australia. Leonardo Di Caprio will star
>as (Gagg) Char.
>Gregg Araki's Gundam: Pretty much the same thing as Gundam Wing, in
>David Lynch's Gundam: Whatever this turns out to be, three things are
>certain: It will have a cool Angelo Badalamenti soundtrack, Zum Daikun
>will breathe menacingly from an oxygen bottle when he drops space
>colonies on earth, and Char's flashbacks of Lala will be more
>disturbing and convoluted than the ending of Evangelion.
>Almodovar's Gundam: The whole Lala sun deal will be resolved in a
>hilarious and rather graphic full-penetration threesome.
>Wayne Wang's Gundam: Will be a great success even though nobody will
>actually see it.
>Tim Burton's Gundam: Will have a crappy retro 50's style Gundam and
>will be a huge commercial and critical disaster.
>Andrej Kielslowski's Gundam: Will take place in three movies and the
>Gundam will be three different colors to correspont to the three
>Kevin Smith's Gundam: Amuro and Char are comic book reading clerks
>working at a mall in a futuristic space colony. When both of them fall
>in love with a lesbian named Lala Sun, wackiness ensues in the form of
>blue humor and witty, cutting edge dialogue.
>Paul Verhoeven's Gundam: Will be pretty much the same as the original
>series, but will have Brain Powerd's opening credits.
>Todd Solondz's Gundam: Will deconstruct the rivalry between Amuro and
>Char by exploring their disturbing childhood traumas. Mobile suit
>battles will be replaced by masturbation and pedophilia scenes.
>Vim Vender's Gundam: Will be more convoluted and harder to understand
>than the original series. After watching it, you will go down to a
>local coffee shop and debate the meaning of the film with some goateed
>junkie for 4 solid hours.
>Spike Lee's Gundam: Will actually have black people in it. Char
>Aznable, played by Denzel Washington, will fight the "Federation
>Establishment" by throwing a large, asteroid sized trash can through
>the glass portion of a space colony.
>Robert Altman's Gundam: Will have a lot of fanfare upon it's release
>but it will suck. And suck BAD.
>Martin Scorsese's Gundam: Won't use mobile suits. The war between the
>Zions and the Federation will be fought by loud, foul-mouthed Italians
>using shotguns and pistols. Joe Pesci will play Amuro and Robert
>DeNiro will play Char.
>Ron Howard's Gundam: Won't be a good film at all. Suprisingly, nobody
>will dislike the movie either. The great thing about his Gundam film
>is that it will feature realistic zero-gravity effects.
>Oliver Stone's Gundam: Will blame the United States government for the
>upcoming war between the Federation and the Zions, using confusing,
>albeit beautiful direction. The media will make Char a hero after he
>drops a space colony on earth.
>Robert Rodriguez's Gundam: Will be a masterpiece even though it will
>be filmed entirely in a Mexican border town for less than $2000.
>George Lucas's Gundam: Will be loaded with special effects and amazing
>battle scenes even better than the original anime. Unfortunately, Haro
>will have a much larger role and will talk in a carribbean accent for
>some unkown reason.
>The Farrelly Brother's Gundam: Will feature Amuro and Char fighting
>over a cute waif named Lala Sun, played by Cameron Diaz. Great scene
>where Char Aznable uses his own bodily fluids to embarass Amuro before
>the big date!
>The Cohen Brother's Gundam: Will be set in rural Minnesota and will be
>a huge waste of time for anybody who sees it except for the 3% of the
>audience who are film snobs and will love it for some reason. Frances
>McDormand will play Char, and Nicolas Cage will be Amuro.
>Walt Disney's Gundam: Will be animated, but believe me won't be nearly
>as cool as the orginal. Most of the audience will walk out when Bright
>Noah and Amuro break into a Elton John written song.
>Stephen Spielberg's Gundam: Will be a beautiful film, with excellent
>special effects and a sweeping score. A sure academy award winner. The
>only real difference will be the bad guys will NOT be named the
>Antony Max Hernandez
A few of my own:
J. Michael Straczyniski's (sp?) Gundam: Fans will love it, but it won't
rate, and it will finish prematurely. He will be offered a chance to make
Zeta Gundam, but will get in an argument with the execs and walk out.
Chris Carter's Gundam: The Federation leaders are secretly working for the
Zions. Char accquires a ten-pack-a-day tobacco addiction.
Joss Whedon's Gundam: For every generation there is a chosen one. When
one series ends, the next Gundam pilot will be called... (hey, wait a
"Humiliation is nothing to be ashamed of."
- Justy Ueki Tylor
"Stories have to be told to exist. They exist in the telling and retelling."
- Itzhak Roeh
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