Chris Beilby (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Tue, 13 Jul 1999 09:35:55 -0700
This is compiled from a thread that is currently going on the Mekton
Zeta Mailing List. Can you guys think of any thing to add to it? ;)
If I am ever a Teenaged Mechajock…
1. I will insist that a qualified psychiatrist be among the base staff.
2. If my father abandoned me several years ago, I will not waste my
trying to win his approval.
3. I will not fall in love with one of my friends. The chances are,
they will be killed by the villain or I will end up in mortal combat
3A. I will certainly not fall in love with the mysterious, silent girl
my father seems to have taken a liking to.
3B. If I do fall in love, I will make sure it is with an enemy. In all
likelihood, she will switch sides immediately afterwards.
4. If a female character whom most of the audience cannot stand
demands that I kill her, I will do so.
5. If a mysterious alien warrior tells me she has selected me as her
partner in fighting off the invasion, I will accept that I am the only
who can and quit whining about it.
5A. I will also fall madly in love with her, even if I have up until
point been a heterosexual female (also known as the "Iczer-One Effect")
6. I will not leave the keys in the mecha.
7. I will not go after the enemy alone on a personal quest for revenge,
because I will get my ass kicked.
8. I will occasionally take the advice of my pseudo older brother
mechajock ace pilot friend, cause he's been around and knows more than I
9. But I won't get *too* attached to him, so I won't be shattered by his
inevitable death halfway through the series.
10. No matter how much the fans appreciate it, I will not engage in
pointless mecha duels with my fellow pilots.
11. I will avoid mecha control systems that tend to cause mental
imbalances in the user.
12. I will not operate any mecha who's AI is highly unstable and/or
12A. I will in no way give any indication that I find the AI attractive
a woman (especially if it is based on an old ex-girlfriends brainwaves.)
13. I will not get so attached to my mecha that I will call it overly
or 'bloodthirsty' names.
14. I will not shoot at the obviously talented civilians who are flying
15. I will find out the identities of the obviously talented civilians
try to get them to join the space force, thus making sure that I'm NOT
youngest guy there.
15A. I will not "mentor" said civvies (even if we are or were past
friends) So as to get caught in the "big brother" effect.
16. I will not attempt to get in bed with anybody ranked under me. It's
just bad luck.
16A. If my senior officer is of a differing sex I will not call her
1) an old lady (ba-san) or 2) an "old sour-puss."
17. I will not try to get a date with my GF/BF when I think my smaller
brother is not around. I'll get instead a nanny to BE SURE he is not
17A. If said smaller brother is a bit older, I'll simply get a bit
17B. I'll ask my pseudo older brother mechajock ace pilot friend to run
a basic security check of the above nanny, of course, to be sure she's
not a spy/the enemy/the evil guy's daughter/the evil "guy" in
alien/a demon/whatever this series is all about.
18. I will take my basic mecha piloting courses OUTSIDE of large cities,
even if they've already been evacuated.
19. No matter how teenaged pilot I may be, I will double-check for the
existence of a solid-design, time-proven ejection seat on my mecha; the
producers could decide to introduce a new starring teenager anytime...
20. I will ensure my mecha is water-protected BEFORE the episode I have
to fight into the ocean.
20A. Same applies to all other enviromental systems, of course,
21. Added to the above ones, I will double cheat all the following
A: My guns are loaded.
B: My superior officer (and any known "big mouth") is out of earshot
before I call him "the Old…"
C. My guns are loaded.
D. My GF doesn't have any hammer hidden before trying to kiss her
D2 My GF is willing to let me search her for hidden
E. My guns are loaded (just to be SURE!)
F. The exotic love interest that suddenly asks me for a date is
not a relative of the nanny that didn't pass the security check.
22. I will use the same base unit with the same
paint scheme as everyone else on my side to avoid
being recognized and singled out by the enemy's ace
(regardless of how good looking she is).
23. Under no circumstances will I propose marriage or promise a date to
interest immediately before going into combat, nor will I use the phrase
"Hold this for me until I get back." Doing so is almost universally
19A. If I should foolishly do one of the above and be near-fatally
than killed outright, I will seek medical attention BEFORE going to see
love interest. (Nobody's pineapple salad is THAT good.)
24. I will pick a single love interest, rather than string two or three
along and set myself up for a tiresome series of misunderstandings and
25. My mecha was hand-built by an eccentric (possibly deranged) old
It contains a thousand different components, and a minor failure in any
of these could mean my death. I will bear these facts in mind before
sleeping with said scientist's only daughter.
26. I would always keep in mind that the flashier the attack, the more
is to defeat my opponent.
27. I would insist on a drab uniform, because the side with the
uniforms always looses.
28. I would confine my romantic activities to my summer job working the
at the Robot Carnival, where the worst that can happen is a bad VR trip
slap to the face.
Advanced Idol singer Subset:
I1. All Idol singers are trouble.
(even if they can unite the universe with the peace and harmony of a
single song dating one (or attempting to) is bad.)
Idol Singer/Mecha-Jock modifications of this statement.
(the Law of Musical fighting.)
As a pilot who has to defend the Earth/The Universe I will try my
best to keep from forming a band and taking my songs into combat.
(see I1 above)
G1: I will not fall in love with an enemy Newtype, or, if I do, I will
make sure not to kill them by mistake.
G2: I will make sure that my father doesn't get blown out of the colony
G3: I will learn to tell the difference between officers of my own side,
and enemy infiltrators bent on stealing a Mobile Suit prototype.
G4: I will make sure that, if I fall in love with an Anaheim Electronics
engineer, that she's not whiny.
G5: I will learn to recognize when a former enemy is fighting disguised
for my side.
G6: I will make sure to throw Haro out the nearest airlock at the first
opportunity that I have...
G7: Regardless of whether or not I was a Newtype, I would stay the F**K
from mobile armors!
Science Ninja Team Gatchiman Subset:
SNTG1: I will not shed a tear over the death of the heroic air
squadron leader, as he is my father who abandoned me many
years ago without a thought to my welfare.
SNTG2: I will tell my commander of my hidden, though ultimately fatal
injury in case there is something that _can_ be done about it.
SNTG3: I will try and take an active part in the team's operations,
instead of looking pretty and doing what the boys tell me to
SNTG4: I will ensure that I learn to speak the same language as the
rest of my team mates.
SNTG5: I will not sit in the cockpit of my mecha stuffing my face
while my team mates are in the enemy base.
SNTG6: There is no number 6.
SNTG7: I will refuse to talk to the comic relief, let alone take
orders from him.
Project A-KO Subset
AKO1 I will ensure that any transformable mecha are first fully field
tested by the designer/builder.
AKO2 I will ensure that my father cannot steal my designs, either by
encrypting them on computer, or building all mecha from memory.
AKO3 If my opponent is holding their own in combat (or better) whilst
*not* wearing any mechanical augmentation device, then I shall give it
as a bad lot and find someone else to bother.
MDX1 I will leave the mecha instruction manual *outside* of the mecha,
read it through the visor...
MDX2 When being pursued by a psychotic with a burning desire to see the
suit destroyed, I shall, upon being told the mechanism, eject from the
and leave it to him.
-- Christopher Beilby
Gundam_Wiz of Gundam MUSH (gundam.jafa.net port 9999)
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